Writers!?

Ever been to a party which served the best hooch and grub in town, only to find yourself distressfully placed in the center of a crowd that discusses interest rates, economic policies, MF Hussain, new dynamics in polygamous relationships and - gasp - metaphysics? Some years back, this was a curse that afflicted me, and showed up with unfailing regularity on Saturday evenings, when all I wanted was a stiff drink. Thankfully, that phase passed, and now I find myself drinking with drinkers, working with workers, dining with diners and making out with errr...

Anyways, I picked up this little nugget of a book of short stories by James Thurber called 'Lanterns and Lances'. Just completed reading a wickedly funny story,"The Porcupines in the Artichokes." The story begins as follows ...
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'I have writers the way other people have mice,' a disturbed hostess has written me. 'What can I do to keep them from arguing, fighting, and throwing highball glasses after dinner? One doesn't dare mention names, such as Herman Melville and Harold Loeb, or the fight is on. What would you suggest?'

Well, now, it isn't easy to entertain writers and have any fun. You might begin by saying, over the first cocktail, 'I don't want any writers to be mentioned this evening.' Do not make the mistake of adding, 'From Washington Irving to Jack Kerouac,' because that would instantly precipitate an argument about Washington Irving and Jack Kerouac. You might begin by saying, 'The porcupines are getting our artichokes.' This could, of course, lead to literary wrangling and jangling, but everything is a calculated risk when writers are present, even 'My grandfather almost married a Pawnee woman,' or 'I wonder if you gentlemen would help me put the handle back on my icebox.' A writer, of course, can turn anything at all into a literary discussion, and it might be better not to say anything about anything.

I myself have found, or rather my wife has found, that you can sometimes keep writers from fighting by getting them into some kind of pencil-and-paper game. You could say, for example, 'There are thirty-seven given names and nicknames, male and female, in the word "miracle." I want you all to see how many you can find.' This almost always takes up a good hour, during which the writers are mercifully silent.
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