Lady and the Tramps

The lady was smiling constantly,
And I strained with all my might:
I did my very best to show
My lighter, just to catch her sight--
And this was useless, because there was
A boyfriend, to offer her a light.

I just sat there sulkily,
Because I thought that bum
Had got no business to be there
While I was high on rum
"It's very rude of him," I said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The party was sloshed as sloshed could be,
Her throat was dry as dry.
You could not see a vacant latrine, because
They were stuffed with couples. Oh my!
The DJ was playing Juggy D
Into the wee hours of the night.

The Lady and her Boyfriend
Were walking hand in hand;
I smiled like anything to see
Their puppy love, so grand:
"If this would only happen to me,"I thought,
"I would stop dating my left hand!"

"If George Clooney or Brad Pitt
Gave you a leer,
Do you suppose," the Boyfriend asked,
"I would have anything to fear?"
"I doubt it," said the Lady,
Her cheeks glowed with lovely tears.

"O boyfriend, come and walk with me!"
The lady did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
To avoid that rum-soaked leech:
I cannot live without your love.”
Couples in the latrine continued to screech.

A wise man looked at me,
But never a word he said:
A wise man winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not approve
Of my desire to have her company in bed.

But I just kept hurrying up,
Hoping against hope for a treat:
My hair was brushed, my face was washed,
My shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
A drunk can barely see two feet.

My idle conversation just followed them,
She said, “He’s just another flirt;
He thinks he can break our Love,
Beat it, you squirt--
Haven’t you heard that heavens above,
Guard us against your kind of dirt?”

The Lady and the Boyfriend
Walked on a mile or so,
And then his hands ran up her skirt
Which fashionably hung low:
And all the single men stood
And gasped in a row.

"The time has come," the Lady said,
"To talk of many things:
Of babies, houses, cars and shoes;
Do you have that diamond ring?
I’d like a villa on the mountain.
Oh! And get yourself some gold cuff links."

"But wait a bit," the Boyfriend cried,
"Before we get to that;
For your words leave me out of breath,
Let’s first sit down!" And so they sat.
"Let’s be in no hurry!" said the Boyfriend,
”There’s no need for that.”

"When the time is right," the Boyfriend said,
"What we will chiefly need:
Are pre-nuptial agreements,
In case I underestimate your greed.
Now if you're ready, Lady dear,
Won't you first sign this deed?"

"There is time for that!" the Lady cried,
Turning a little blue.
And all this while, my rum soaked brain
Wondered what I could do.
Should I just sit passively by
Or should I make my move?

"It was so kind of you to come,
And you are very nice!"
The Lady said nothing but,
"I need men, not mice.
I wish you didn't pretend to be deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Boyfriend said,
"To play on me such a trick,
After I’ve tolerated you so far,
And developed feelings so thick!"
The Lady said nothing but,
"Beat it, you useless prick!"

"I weep for you," the Lady said:
"I valued the time you gave me."
With sobs and tears the boyfriend ran out
And jumped into the sea,
Leaving the field open
For a rum-soaked hero like me.

"O dear Lady," said I,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be go to the party again?”
She agreed to my request for fun.
And this was scarcely odd, because
She was used to doing everyone.

Apologies to Lewis Carroll, may I not burn in Hell for this.